I said in my last post that I don’t really interact with fandoms anymore. I still write fanfiction and will occasionally dip my toe back in, but I stay away for both my own mental health and because I tend to get consumed by things I enjoy pretty easily and if I don’t set boundaries, more important things will go forgotten. This didn’t matter so much when I was younger and lived at home, but one of the things that happens when you get older is you have to do everything and there’s less time for fun. Also harsher consequences if you do something like forget your medication or don’t eat or don’t go to the store. As I also said, fandoms can get very toxic very quickly. No fandom is exempt from this; in fact, no large group of people all focused on the same thing is except from this. I realized some years ago that staying involved when things turned bad had horrid effects on my mental health, which in turn had effects on my physical health.
That being said, I don’t regret any of the time I spent involved in fandoms, and there’s always one good thing that comes out of wading into the water: friends. I have made wonderful and long-lasting friends through fandoms, and nowhere have I made more friends than in the TWRP fandom.
TWRP is a Canadian electro-funk-disco-pop—they really defy genre—band made up of four best friends: Doctor Sung, Commander Meouch, Lord Phobos, and Havve Hogan. Do those names sound weird? Well, they look like this—
—so that fits. They preach friendship, love, acceptance, fun, and good vibes, values the fandom (for the most part) shares; there are always outliers, but you’ll find those everywhere. The friends that I’ve made in the TWRP fandom have been a boon I never would have expected, and have done much to help me get through the pandemic and quarantine. I’m terrible at chatting online, but even so, I know they’re there if I need them, and I do my best to be there for them too. They never made me feel like I didn’t belong, and they’ve educated me on so much. They hype me up when I don’t feel well and don’t let me get too down on myself. It’s good to be around people like that, people who will celebrate with you and hold you accountable when you need to be.
Having a group of friends to party with at concerts doesn’t hurt, either. TWRP shows are always a great time, even when you go alone (I’m speaking from experience), but there is nothing like spending an hour singing at the top of your lungs and dancing with your friends. The band means a lot to their fans, and they mean a lot to me.
In addition to bringing me friends who have helped me through an incredibly difficult time, it’s because of TWRP that one of my high-school friends and I reconnected and grew closer. I don’t know where I’d be without her and her husband in my life. TWRP’s music makes me feel better no matter how bad my depression and anxiety are, and it helps keep the good vibes going while I write; if there’s ever a movie made from one of my books, TWRP would have to be on the soundtrack.
TWRP has also given me my favourite song, when that’s not something I’ve ever had before. Music has always been a part of my life—my dad raised me and my brother listening to the classic rock he listened to when he was young, and the rock, punk, and alternative music he liked, my second stepdad exposed me to jazz, the blues, and funk music, and my third stepdad (it’s a long story) loves music above everything else and will listen to just about anything. I was in band and choir all through high school and our teacher was more than happy to help us explore genres and music history. I listen to movie, TV, and game soundtracks when I write, and I always have music playing when I’m in public alone, as it helps with my anxiety.
But I’ve never had a favourite song.
Enter “Generous DImensions,” of off TWRP’s third album, Return to Wherever.
(The link will take you to Spotify. If you like the song, and their music, consider buying it on Bandcamp!)
I wrote an essay about my love of and connection to the song a couple years ago, but I lost it when I deleted my old website. I thought I had a copy saved somewhere; I did not. My connection to the song hasn’t changed since then, and I thought I’d rewrite the most salient points.
From the first time I listened to “Generous Dimensions,” I felt like the song had been written for me. It hit on such major things in my life that I actually teared-up. I listened to the song several times in a row, surprised and baffled that a song could hit me so hard. My issues are not uncommon by any means, but I’d never felt such a connection to a song before. Or since. I doubt I will feel such a connection again, just because of when this song came into my life.
Since I moved to Toronto in 2015, my mental health has been much worse. I have depression and anxiety, and leaving my quiet hometown, my family, and my best friend to move to the biggest city in Canada, live downtown by myself, and work nights plunged me into the darkest time of my life. When I’m low, I turn against myself. I’ve been heavy most of my life, and for a long time I hated that about myself. I hated my body and the way I look. I worked very hard to start loving myself, but those feelings come back when things are dark and I feel worthless. I’ve also worked very hard at being happy as a single adult, and most of the time I am. But I get lonely, just like everyone. I’ve been single for twelve years now, and haven’t dated. I don’t know how to date, since I’ve never done it. I had one boyfriend for four and a half years in high school and university, and we were friends first, so I never had to figure out how to date. With the exception of my ex and my last crush, every other person who’s found out I liked them stopped talking to me, and some of them even made fun of me for it.
So you can imagine the opening lines of “Generous Dimensions” really hit home.
You have been hurt before
I can see it in your eyes
They said you don’t measure up
But I know that it’s just lies
And I know you’ve got all the right stuff
All the way from head down to your thighs
You deserve to be loved just how you are
Just be yourself because you are a star
In fact, it hit me so much, that the last two lines above are now tattooed on my arm, as a reminder that I am beautiful, worthy of love, and worthy of being loved for who I am.
But perhaps more responsible for the connection I feel to the song is the chorus.
You got those generous dimensions
And I think that we should have some fun
And while you’re here I’d like to mention
That I’d like to be your only one
Now that we have a deep connection
I’d like to give you all my love
Yeah you, my love, to you
I’m demisexual, which means that I don’t experience sexual desire or feelings without an emotional connection. The emotional connection can be just on my side, but there has to be a connection. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn’t even hear the term “demisexual” until a few years ago, and back in high school when all my friends and peers seemed to have sex on the brain most of the time, I was confused and a little scared. No one likes to feel like they’re missing out on such a big part of life, and no one is really sure who they are in high school. It wasn’t until I had been dating my ex for a while, and we had grown closer, that I realized I could feel those things.
So a few years ago, when I first read the term “demisexual” and did some research, it was like a light had turned on inside. I recognized myself in those words and I was excited to send the article to my best friend with the message “It’s me!”
It wasn’t long after that—maybe a year—that Return to Wherever came out and I fear heard “Generous Dimensions.” To hear lyrics describing sex only after a deep connection is formed gave me that same feeling. I recognized myself in those words. The fact that the song was by my favourite band just added another level of love to the song for me.
“Generous Dimensions” is a beautiful, touching, sexy song about accepting yourself and accepting that you are attractive and worthy of love even when you don’t feel like you are. From the first notes of piano that open the song, to the last note you hear, it’s an anthem for anyone who has ever felt like they were worthless or ugly or broken. The dimensions of my and your heart and mind and body are generous and the world needs to see them.
In conclusion, the four weirdos simultaneously from the future, the past, space, and Canada, have made my life better in so many ways. Whether it’s directly, through music I connect deeply to and that never fails to make me smile, or indirectly, by bringing like-minded people together across vast distances, their impact on my life can’t be understated. They are somehow four of the most down-to-Earth yet out-of-this-world people, and their mission to spread love and acceptance and kindness—and good, groovy vibes—is sorely needed.
I can’t wait to see them live again, after almost two years.
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vampires, spaceships, and fantastical worlds—the tales of L.E. Teetzel 
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