vampires, spaceships, and fantastical worlds—the tales of L.E. Teetzel

Blade II (2002)

1. This movie is directed by Guillermo del Toro and, if you know me at all, you know that one immutable fact about me is del Toro is my favourite director, so that gives me a HUGE bias to, well, parts of this movie I guess (namely character & set design, Ron Perlman’s casting, and certain story beats/humour included). I’m a sucker for del Toro movies, and that fact that you can always tell when he’s involved, especially with monster movies, and this one is no exception. The reapers? HELLO??? I want del Toro to do a Hellraiser movie and I mean that with my whole heart. He has such an eye for cool designs and for making fantastical creatures seem a part of the world we’re seeing them in and he cares so much about everything in the movies he makes that it just makes the viewing experience so much deeper for me. But again, I’m acknowledging my bias here.
2. This movie is IMMEDIATELY better than the first. Scarier, more intriguing, more emotion, and OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED THE REAPERS WERE PROBABLY A BIG INSPO FOR THE STRAIN BOOKS AND SHOW and also the introduction is amazing. The music, the origin I wish we’d gotten in the first movie, some establishing information, the action, the visuals… God, SO MUCH BETTER right off the bat. Like we’ve already established I am biased BUT EVEN SNIPES IS SHOWING MORE EMOTION AND ACTING BETTER. (No but seriously it’s like they replaced him with a better actor?) There is so much more feeling and depth to this movie that it’s such a fun watch.
3. Blade’s attachment to his sunglasses is hilarious, but I can respect the weirdness honestly. Gotta have those sunglasses to finish the final battle.

7 plates of blood Jell-O out of 10.

Blade: Trinity (2004)

1. Listen? Is this movie good? Decidedly not. Do I love watching it because of Ryan Reynolds? Decidedly yes. This was like a dry run of Deadpool, honestly. Do I care that the writing is bad? I mean, yes, but also, just like with the first Blade, I have enough fun with the movie to not care. I think movies that are considered bad but are still fun are important, to be honest. It’s okay for stuff to just be fun. Not every movie has to a “film” or say things. And like I said, I just really fucking love vampires okay.
2. For all the faults of this movie (the largest being that no one really seems to want to be making this movie?) I LOVE the design of Dracula’s monster form and wish we got to see it more. The fact that he’s almost skeletal but also red and gooey and very spiky is just so… interesting, yet we barely get a good look at him. I also like that they made his eyes weird when he’s in his human form. He’s scary, even if it looks like he’s wearing a tube top sometimes and he has a preference for extremely deep V-neck shirts.
3. I think this movie had a lot of potential, what with the cast, and the story idea itself isn’t bad, just poorly executed. And I maybe would have found someone other than Jessica Biel since I don’t think she brings anything special to the role. But Hannibal being the “captured damsel” was a nice twist, and I actually like the ridiculousness of the vampire dogs. But yeah, nothing is really cohesive or well done enough to really work, which is a shame. In closing for the Blade movies, I’ll just say that I’m really looking forward to seeing Mahershala Ali as Blade next year in the MCU’s Blade because I think the character is cool and I really think it’s a shame the Snipes movies were so, so uneven. Del Toro should have done them all. Also, I hope Ali’s Blade still drives a muscle car.

4 silly silver fang caps out of 10

Underworld (2003)

1. This series of movies is near and dear to my vampire-loving heart and I will hear absolutely no slander about them. They are perfect and they make me so happy and are a huge source of inspiration to me for urban/dark fantasy and horror and vampires. Kate Beckinsale is a badass and this world is so weird and comic booky and dark and WEIRD and I LOVE IT. When does it even take place? Why is everything a weird mix of old and modern? It’s perfection.
2. Possibly in the minority on this one but I love the colour scheme. The blues and greys and blacks and greens give the movie a very specific feel and that set it apart. The movie feels cold and rainy (as the weather like, always is) and it feels more like it’s taking place at night without being so dark you can’t tell what’s going on. And the pops of red for the blood and the vampire clothing? Love it. This movie has a style all its own. I find it very comforting, but then I am a night owl who prefers overcast days and rainy weather to anything else, so this really isn’t a surprise. Is it weird that I find a violent R-rated moving comforting? Erm, maybe? But when I get to the TTR of ten weird comfort movies I have it might not seem that weird anymore.
3. Again, possibly in the minority (these movies really don’t get enough love in my opinion) but I love the lore and the world they built for these movies. It’s fairly dense, but not overly complicated, and the fact that they’re focusing on something new to the world means the audience doesn’t need to know everything to understand what’s actually happening in the movie itself. Everything we need to know is laid out in the opening monologue and then everything else we need to know we discover with Selene. And, only tangentially related, the casting of Bill Nighy as Victor gives the whole movie a gravitas it might not have otherwise had. And “What is this ruckus?” may be the greatest entrance line ever. And the MAKEUP—squishy Victor is so freaking creepy looking. Love it.

8 vampire stasis tubes out of 10.

BONUS: One of my favourite songs of all time is on the soundtrack and I can’t find it anywhere but YouTube and jfc I love this song.

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

1. It’s probably because Tony Curran is a red-headed, blue-eyed Scot, but I am weirdly into Markus. Is that TMI? Probably, but oh well. Anyway, I spend the whole movie half-rooting for Markus even though he’s on a rampage. Also, his design is pretty awesome. I love how his wings are another weapon and how creepy and bat-like his hybrid form is. Plus he kills Kraven which is just many points in my book. This is honestly the only time I’ve ever come close to falling for the “villain” of a movie, though I’d argue he’s not really a villain, let alone the villain. Both Markus and William were made into the monsters they are. I would say Viktor has been the villain since the beginning, as we learn through the flashback (and in the first movie), along with Alexander. Alexander could have stopped all of this from the beginning and his inability to do so has caused the lives of thousands, and Viktor… well, he kept Markus protected and sheltered, and then locked William away from his beloved brother, both of which contributed to the Markus we meet in this movie.
2. I love how high-tech Alexander Corvinus’s overwatch-like set-up is (and it’s on a boat!!!). He’s got his eyes on everything, which makes sense for how hands-on he is with his legacy and the world of vampyres and lycans. (Do I like the spelling of vampyre with a y? No, but that’s technically how it is in this universe so bleh.) But so often vampires (HA) are protrayed as being out-of-time or reclusive and not really a part of the world itself but just sort of lingering on the fringes. As much as the supernatural elements of this world do have to keep to the fringes, they have made an effort to adapt and stay in the world as much they can. And, like I said, the human aspect of this world is so weird anyway. It really is the supernaturals’ world and the humans are secondary. And I’m okay with that. It makes these movies more fun and keeps the lore tighter.
3. This first sequel really expands the world and the lore established in the first movie. Something I noticed while watching the first movie (for the first time in a very long time) is that the bones for all the sequels are laid out. No lore or plot lines that come up come out of nowhere. The foundations are laid in movie one, and then expanded upon, and the lore is kept consistent. This isn’t something always seen in action-centric movie franchises and while the lack of it is not always detrimental to the movies or the audience’s enjoyment of them, it’s really pleasant to see and goes a long way to explaining why I love this series so much. Love or hate it, you can’t tell me the storyline doesn’t make sense within its universe and yes, I will die on that hill.

9 weird chest-implanted keys out of 10.

BONUS THOUGHT: I definitely made my dad take me and my best friend to see this movie in the theatre since it was rated R and we were not 18 yet. I don’t really get embarrassed per se, but ut sure was awkward sitting next to my dad during the sex scenes.

ALSO: His name is spelled “Markus” in the opening scrawl, but the consensus online is “Marcus” so I’m not sure what’s up with that.

ALSO ALSO:

That’s it.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

1. Did the series need this prequel? No. We already know everything we have to know about this time: that lycans were slaves, that Lucian and Viktor’s daughter, Sonja, were together, and that Viktor is a colossal dickbag (they really went out of their way to make him seem as evil as he is). Am I glad we got this prequel? Yes. I like getting a movie that’s more lycan-centric because it helps expand that side of the world and tells us why Lucian was the leader of the lycans, why he was such a threat, I like that Michael Sheen got another chance to play Lucian because he’s so, so good, and I like that we got to see Raze again, mostly because I like his ridiculously deep voice. Also, I’ll never not be impressed with the actor they got to play Sonja and how much she resembles Kate Beckinsale in some way. Because she’s not identical and isn’t supposed to be, but similar enough that I remember wondering if it was Kate Beckinsale in makeup when the movie came out.
2. This is my least favourite movie in the series, but that has more to do with pacing than anything else. A lot happens in this movie, very quickly, and sometimes the jumps between scenes, or dialogue leading into jumps, feels awkward. Also, there are several storylines going on and they’re not woven together the best. It’s not hard to follow or anything, but this movie feels clunky where the others felt a lot smoother, simpler, tighter. But man does this movie really drive home how evil Viktor is, how much he twisted the vampires around his fingers.
3. And while I won’t hold up any of these movies as examples of great writing (except for the handling of the lore), some of the moves made in this movie portray the characters as truly naïve. What did Sonja think telling Viktor about her hybrid baby would do? What did Viktor thing would happen when he left Lucian chained up without his collar on the night of the full moon? Did Lucian really think he’d killed Viktor when he let him tumble into the water? All of these seem like strange choices, bur I’m assuming they were made in order to match up with what was established in the first two movies. Which is fair. But I think the choices could have been made better.

5 funky death dealer helmets out of 10.

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

1. I IMMEDIATELY love that they went the route of exposing the supernatural world to the human one. It’s an area that’s not tackled enough. Sure, the aftermath has been dealt with before, but seeing the immediate consequences? That’s so rarely done. And the extreme reaction from the humans? Right down to a complete “cleansing”? That’s exactly what would happen in our current climate. That’s exactly what has happened in our history, so it’s believable, even though it might seem like a lot. And as much as I would love for vampires and werewolves or aliens to be real and to become known to us, at the same time I don’t want that to happen because this would be the most likely outcome. Which sucks.
2. I can not imagine how terrifying it would be to not only wake up frozen after experiencing some sort of weird psychic thing but then to find out you’re in a lab and TWELVE years had passed. To get knocked out in one world and wake up in another with no idea how you got there or what happened to your partner. That would be so disorienting. Not to mention having to deal with cops and scientists and said weird psychic thing. AND THEN TO FIND OUT SUBJECT 2 IS YOUR DAUGHTER AND NOT YOUR PARTNER? God Selene is really going through it in the beginning of this movie. She’s got a bitchin’ new coat though. And Theo James to look at. *insert suggestive eyebrow wiggle here*
3. I can guess at the choice to skip twelve years and change the setting of these movies so drastically, but I really do love it. I love the choice to transpose vampires (or vampyres) vs. werewolves to vampires vs. humans in a fight for their very survival. There are of course a lot of parallels between those conflicts. Also it allowed for Theo James who makes a great vampire with his silver whip and YES I AM BIASED. But also it allowed for evolution in the species to advance and for experimentation to be done, which is how we end up with the überlycan or whatever he’s called. I could honestly write an essay about the lore of these movies. It’s so good.

7 silver whips out of 10.

Also: Michael Ealy is a great addition to the cast. Wish he could have stuck around. And I mean Charles Dance is good but his character is a butt. Not the bad guy, just a butt. But Theo James is the best addition because I’m biased.

I mean, just look at him.

Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

1. My biggest qualm with these movies doesn’t even really start to bother me until this movie: it’s that I have no idea where any of this is taking place. I know from outside sources that the first two movies take places around Budapest and that part of the world, but after that I have no real idea and I would like to know. Especially since the vampire clan in this movie seems to be well recovered from the purges, which is a huge leap from the clan we saw in the last movie. Unless a lot more time has passed than I think, but we also don’t know that. (I assume four years at least has passed, but that doesn’t seen like enough? I don’t know.) I don’t really mind, but so much of the lore and plot is done so well that the details start to stick out and make me want to know more. ALSO we finally see some female lycans in this movie and while I can make a guess as to why we haven’t seen any before I want to know the reasoning in this universe. I usually end up at this point with media I love at some point.
2. I could have some interesting thoughts about the movie but all I can really focus on since it’s been a while since the last time I watched this movie is the freaking cast. On top of Kate Beckinsale and Theo James and Charles Dance, we have Tobias Menzies (I knew I knew him from somewhere when I started watching Outlander), Bradley James (Arthur from Merlin), and Laura Pulver (my second favourite Irene Adler). I love going back to movies I haven’t watched in a while and seeing familiar faces.
3. My final thought will be for the utter cruelty of Semira. She’s as power-hungry as Viktor was (likely because they were close a long time ago), and it’s interesting (and welcome) to see the switch to a female villain with typically male villain traits. Also, Thomas’s final act is a good one, which is a flip from him being such a butt in the last movie. He faces off against Semira, but is a symbol of the old order, which she’s fighting to overthrow, and thus dies. I’m not sure it was that deep when being planned, but the symbolism is there. I would argue however that Semira is tied with Viktor for scariest/most effective villain of the series.

7 silver-infused swords out of 10.

BONUS: the Nordic coven location is freaking BEAUTIFUL. But I’m a sucker for the aurora borealis.

Also, I really wish there were more Underworld movies. The tidbits revealed in the Nordic coven make me want so much more in this world, but I’ve given up hope for anymore content in this universe and I will just enjoy the movies again and again. And write my own vampire novels.

Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

1. I’m not sure there is more perfect casting than Tilda Swinton as a vampire. She’s so ethereal normally that to make her a supernatural being is an easy choice. I love her so much as an actor and am half convinced she’s a fae creature anyway. There is something so otherworldly about her in this role that outshines everyone else; part of that is the uniform colour of her appearance I think. (Also, related to casting: I forgot Anton Yelchin and John Hurt were in this movie and now I’m sad.)
2. I love how gentle the vampires are in this movie but how they are still able to instill fear and how they are still beholden to their hunger, how their state still controls every part of their life. Just because they blend in more, because they’re gentle, it doesn’t mean they’re more human. These are still inhuman beings. The differences in the way they interact with the world reinforces this too. Eve tries more to be a part of the world, though is still fundamentally removed from it because she can only go out during the night, and Adam is so removed from it that he doesn’t even have new technology like an phone; he’s had to rig up a weird contraption in order to FaceTime Eve. He doesn’t even try to be a part of it. Works around what humans have built.
3. It’s not really surprising there aren’t more slice-of-life movies out there—movies are not really the best medium for slice-of-life to be done well I don’t think—but this is such a great one. I think vampires/near-immortal beings are a good subject for slice-of-life since they’ve seen and done and experienced so much and, while Adam annoys me (especially when compared to Eve who loves life and the world so much), it’s no surprise that he’s despondent and weary. This is a beautiful little story with such a wide, deep history behind it.

8 flasks of the good stuff out of 10.

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

1. I’m sure it was intentional but his armour looks like it’s made of muscles. Like the muscles were lifted from another’s body and somehow hardened and turned into battle-worthy armour. It’s a very unsettling thought/image that I’ve had since I first watched the movie and though he’s got those spiky hat things he’s not as scary looking as Drake from Blade: Trinity. Which is… a low bar, but this version of Dracula is plenty unsettling in myriad other ways.
2. Okay this movie is a lot… different than I remembered? Cornier? Pulpier? Weirder? Hornier? There are SO MANY weird images that float in the backgrounds or are projected onto actor’s faces (like the map on Keanu’s face on the train?), and some transitions are SO STRANGE. It’s not even the fact that the movie is very early-90s in some regards or that some effects don’t hold up—I don’t care about that stuff—but I just do not remember this movie the way it actually is. It also could be that I watched it before I was really watching a lot of darker movies that may or may not actually be horror but that would have scared me a lot when I was a kid. And like, WHERE does he pull that baby from? WHY is Johnathan not more alarmed by what he’s seen??? Why are some directorial choices so BIZARRE???
3. Gary Oldman should have won a bunch of awards for this role because he ate that shit UP. He is by far the best thing about this movie (followed closely by Tom Waits because WHAT and Anthony Hopkins because I love Anthony Hopkins), and has long been one of my favourite actors for his ability to disappear so completely. And “I have crossed oceans of time to find you” like COME ON.

6 impractically long red robes out of 10.

BONUS THOUGHT: It’s been a while since I read DRACULA, but it occurs to me now how difficult it would actually be to make a faithful adaptation and it’s really no wonder it’s only elements of the story and the creature that really show up in other vampire media.

And that’s a wrap on the first Three Thoughts Retrospective post! I’m not sure when the next one will be up, and I’m not going to rush it, though I have started working on the Star Trek The Original Series post. At least for season 1. I have a lot more lists planned too, full of movies I’ve seen before as well as movies I’ve never seen. Ten movies is the maximum for lists.

I may also come up with some more in-depth posts to write, including one about the treatment of lore in the Underworld series since I realized several things about the movies during this rewatch that had never registered before. But we’ll see.

No promises, just vibes. I’m doing these because it’s fun for me and I’m not going to stress about it. 🙂

Feel free to comment with suggestions for movies or themes for lists! And if you like what I write consider buying me a Ko-Fi!