three-thoughts retrospective: christmas faves, part 2

Just, for the record, even movies that don’t show up on these lists but should (like The Holiday) are movies I do watch every year—they’re just already on other lists so they’re not showing up here. Those are usually the movies I’ll watch at any time of year rather than just at Christmas.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

This is like, the ultimate Christmas classic as far as I’m concerned. It’s not my favourite—it’s not even my favourite Rankin & Bass special—but everyone knows this one. Or, mostly everyone, anyway. It makes me sad that without cable, there’s a whole bunch of kids who might never see this or any of the other old-school specials unless their parents show them. There’s a lot about this special that makes me mad (which is kind of the point), but the lessons of intolerance and acceptance are always important, and I’d argue it’s important to see what was considered “okay” back then. I know this is a lot for a kids’ Christmas special, but like, this shit is important no matter the media it’s in. The part that makes me the most mad though, is that the parents and grown-ups are the ones who are most intolerant. Like, kids are little shits and they can be super mean, but kids operate mostly on learned behaviour. And, on the other hand, they can be super kind, too. But adults should know better. (Again, I realize this is the point of the whole story but it makes me SO MAD.)
I adore the puppets so much. I would love to see the remaining ones in person, and I would love to see how they were made. I think the reindeer were needle-felted, and I know somewhere wood/clay. But I would love, love, love to see the process. Same for the sets. They are so freaking cool.
The Island of Misfit Toys used to make me so upset as a kid, and I still want the spotted elephant toy. Also, the songs from this movie will spontaneously get stuck in my head at the weirdest moments. Especially “Silver and Gold.” I don’t know why, but it’ll be like the dead of summer and that song comes to me. Maybe it’s just a reminder that Christmas and cold weather is coming again. 😂 Yukon Cornelius is also my favourite character in this movie. He’s such a weirdo, but in the best way possible. And, the way of all pet owners, gets entirely bossed around by his dogs (none of which are sled dogs; all of which are adorable). I also love Bumble (I can’t believe they took his teeth). The fact that I wanted all the misfit toys when I was kid shows you that the weirdos was where I thought it was at. It’s really not a surprise that I’ve always been weird.

7 abominable snow monster teeth out of 10.

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town (1970)

This is my favourite Rankin & Bass Christmas special, and I chalk that up entirely to the penguin sidekick, Topper. But I also haven’t seen them all. (There are two others on my lists of Christmas movies I haven’t seen.) Though I think this one will always hold a special place in my heart. When I was little, I liked that it told the familiar story of Santa Claus but it was explaining how it all started. I thought that was the coolest shit when I was little. Not-at-all-shockingly, world-building is my favourite part of writing. I also thought the title “burgermeister” was funny.
There are certainly some aspects of this movie that are creepier now then when it was made and when I was little. I think that every year, but I still love it. Context is always important and while bad/creepy stuff has always happened, the 1970s was a more innocent time, in regards to that people didn’t think about the creepy stuff first usually. Or at least not as often as they do now.
Jessica’s song is SO 1970s it’s not even funny. For some reason, I never remember the acid-trip visuals that go along with that part. I’ve never done acid, so I’m just assuming here, but it’s certainly trippy.

7 penguin scarves out of 10.

Die Hard (1988)

Die Hard takes place at Christmas, so therefore it is a Christmas movie. Any movie that takes place at Christmas can be a Christmas movie. Batman Returns is a Christmas movie. Serendipity is a Christmas movie. Go wild. Follow your heart. Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you try hard enough.
This movie is a fucking classic, and is one of my favourites. (I have a lot of favourite movies, and levels of favourite movies, if that makes sense.) I like Bruce Willis a lot, and this is one of my favourite movies of his. I have a feel a lot of people feel the same,, obviously, but there’s just something about Die Hard that hits a specific button in my brain. I’m not going to say which button, but if you know me, or pay attention to my movie reactions, you can probably guess. 😂 But yeah, a classic movie with classic lines, and stellar performances from Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman, who is at his smarmiest best. My dad first got me to watch this movie by telling me Professor Snape was in it and then acting out some of his lines. (Almost every awesome ’70s/’80s movie I’ve seen is because of my dad showing me and my brother one of his favourites.) Also, a stellar set that is SO 1980s I can’t even handle it. Why did we ever get rid of sunken areas and indoor water features? (I’m assuming water damage but still.)
For a very, very long time, I had no idea what bonds were, why someone would want to steal them, or why there were such a big deal. To be honest, I still don’t fully understand how they work (like, can anyone “cash” them? are they not tied to a name or anything?), but all you really have to know is that Alan Rickman wants them.

10 dirty white tank tops out of 10.

Noelle (2019)

I’m 90% sure Richard Armitage is on the cover of the Men’s Health magazine Polly’s reading in the office of the mall manager. I think Polly is my favourite part of the movie, to be honest.
I am largely indifferent to Anna Kendrick, but I really like Bill Hader, and my biggest problem with this movie is that there isn’t more of him. I love this take on Santa’s family though, and I like that they made The North Pole a functional little town that exists and works all year ’round, rather than just at Christmas. I also really like the idea of the heir to the Santa title just not taking to it and the unexpected sibling is the one who gets it. Similar plot to Arthur Christmas, except that the sibling who is supposed to inherit doesn’t want it. Nick tries but it’s just not meant for him, and like he says, you can’t be someone you’re not. I do like that a woman inherits the title of Santa, since I can’t think of another movie where that happens. I also really like that Noelle sort of stumbles into realizing she’s meant to be the next Santa. She’s not out to steal the role or anything. Yeah, she’s spoiled and clueless about anything outside The North Pole, but she learns and adapts and she does grow and learn.
I really like that there’s no romance plot in this movie. They very easily could have had Noelle and Jake become more than just friends (I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the intent at some point), but the fact that they focus their friendship and them working together to find Nick is so much more preferable. Christmas is about love of all kinds, and I think romance would have felt shoe-horned in.

6 cups of peppermint hot chocolate out of 10.

A Christmas Prince (2017)

This movie is peak Christmas cheese and I adore it. I’ve said it before, but the predictable nature of these kinds of movies is what makes them easy and comforting to watch. Even when there’s conflict, you know it’ll all turn out in the end. There’s a reason Harlequin monthly romances have been around as long as they have, and a reason Hallmark and Lifetime and Netflix can make new movies like these every year and people always want more. These movies are meant to feel like a hug or a cup of hot chocolate, and I think A Christmas Prince does it so well. Rose McIver is a perfect fit for the genre (she has a sort of ingrained sweetness), and she was, in fact, the reason I decided to watch this movie at all (I love iZombie.)
The fact that the queen is played by Alice Krige never fails to amuse me. I have a hard time as seeing her as anything other than the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact. That’s not a comment on her acting—she’s a wondering actor—more a comment on how striking the image of the Borg Queen was and is. I honestly love her as Queen Helena, but every time I see her in these movies (or anywhere that’s not First Contact) my brain goes BORG QUEEN BORG QUEEN BORG QUEEN. I love Star Trek.
There’s a lot to be said for these kinds of movies needing more diversity and to steer away from the royal tropes (I don’t really care for kings and queens outside of fiction and it would be nice to see more Christmas stories that don’t involve royalty or nobility), but I could write a whole essay about that, and I’m not here to think too hard right now, honestly. I just want Christmas cheese.

5 pairs of Chucks out of 10.

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018)

This movie frustrates me so much (like more so than was intended with the conflict) because the feeling of not being listened to, of having everything you love and do and treasure dismissed, and not being able to confide in the person or people you should be able to is something I relate to heavily. Obviously not on the same scale or in the same situation, but it makes me SO MAD that Amber is treated so badly and her kindness is taken advantage of so others can just steamroll over her. (I do not like Ms. Averill very much.)
I love when movies replace a cast member and acknowledge it in a silly way and then never again. With Amber’s dad saying “I feel like a whole new person” when he comes out of the airpot, this movie does it well. Nothing will every beat Don Cheadle’s introduction in Iron Man 2, but this one is pretty good. I’m not sure which version of her dad I like better, but I also don’t know that I care that much. He’s kind of an incidental character. I just like the introduction.
Look, these movies aren’t good, but they’re fun and Christmasy and cheesy and silly and that’s all I’m really looking for. Everything else is just a bonus. I still can’t watch many of these kinds of movies—I’m pretty picky about them—but as long as they’re fun, I’m good. Are there issues? Yes, of course. Do I wish they did some things differently? Absolutely. But it’s nice to pretend big problems could be so easily solved and villains could actually be redeemed. It’s debatable whether or not including surface-level looks at corruption and economics and everything is worth including in these types of movies, but I kinda like that they try? I dunno. Like I said, not here to think too hard at this time of year.

4 truly ugly wedding dresses out of 10.

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby (2019)

This one gets a higher rating than the second one just because it’s so ridiculous and they just go for it. I don’t care if it makes no sense, if there’s magic introduced for some reason (whether or not it’s real), if they tried to do a locked-room mystery that only kinda worked… It’s so stupid but so fun. Also, unlike some of the other Netflix Christmas movie series, I have to watch all three of these for some reason? Even though I only really like the first one?
I honestly would love to play the Christmas board game they play. A Christmas trivia game where you decorate a tree? That sounds like fun! I love trivia.
The whole thing around the dungeon in these movies is absolutely ridiculous, if only because they wouldn’t be allowed to use a dungeon to hold prisoners. Like, have the dungeon, sure. Accidentally get locked in there or hold somewhere there temporarily while they wait for the police (which is what I’m pretty sure them implying) but like? I dunno. It’s so dumb. 😂

5 ridiculous scrolls out of 10.

A Wish for Wings That Work (1991)

I have a deep and nostalgic attachment to this special. My dad loves the Bloom County comics, and especially Bill the Cat. We watched this special—on VHS—every year. It was the one thing we had to watch together. My dad would quote certain bits all year, and I can quote the vast majority of the movie. My favourite part is the kiwi whose wife left him for an albatross—with GREAT BIG LOOOOOONG WIIIIIIINGS. (I also just learned that the kiwi was voiced by Robin Williams.) There were definitely lots of jokes I didn’t get as a kid, as is the way with most family entertainment, but that makes rewatching it every year all the better. More than any other Christmas special, this one fills with a specific nostalgia I don’t find anywhere else.
Bill the Cat is perfect and if I ever get an orange cat, their name is going to be Bill. Male or female. He’s such a mess and somehow the best character without ever uttering a word.
The soundtrack for this special is miles better than it has any right to be.

10 detachable penguin rumps out of 10.

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas (1997)

Beauty and the Beast is my favourite Disney movie and one of my favourite movies of all time, so imagine my excitement when they released a Christmas movie! And sure, it’s not the best Disney sequel, but it’s still my favourite. I love that it fills in time from the first movie, shows us the night Prince Adam turned into the Beast, and we get to see all the secondary characters as humans for a bit. I was obsessed with this movie when it came out and it’s really no surprise it’s on my “watch every year” list. While the animation isn’t as good as the original (like most Disney sequels), it more than makes up for it with Tim freaking Curry as the villainous composer. God I love this movie so much. Except Fife. The piccolo is a my least favourite instrument. 😂
Honestly the most unbelievable part of this movie is that Belle makes a book in a few hours. That’s straight-up impossible.
I love Angelique—and the fact that she was voice by Bernadette Peters just me want to watch Anastasia.

6 demon cookies out of 10.

BONUS: I still want the footstool dog SO BAD.

MORBID BONUS: What the hell happened to Forté’s corpse once the curse broke?

The Santa Clause (1994)

Okay, I’m no fan of Tim Allen, but I love this movie. As a child of divorced parents (who divorced in 1996), certain aspects of this movie hit harder than they were probably intended to. They also seem to hit harder every year. I really hate the way the grown-ups treat each other in this movie, and since my dad had full custody of me and my brother, I really, really hate that the way Scott’s parentage is looked down upon or seen as secondary and how they try to take Charlie away from his dad when, while he hasn’t been the best dad, he hasn’t done anything wrong as far as Charlie is concerned. It makes me actually so mad. I have a lot of complicated feelings around the divorced parents aspect of this movie clearly. I also really, really, really hate the way Charlie’s stepdad tries to squash Charlie’s belief in Santa and magic. He’s a kid, bro, let him be a fucking kid. And stop trying to be his dad. You’re not his dad.
I do credit this movie (along with my grandma’s love of Christmas) with keeping my sense of childhood magic and whimsy alive. I believed in the actual figure of Santa Claus until I was like ten or twelve—much longer than most of my friends and classmates. I still believe in Santa, but now as a concept, a figure, an idea. Santa is important, as is the belief in magic and whimsy, especially at Christmas. Kids should be allowed to be kids, and adults should be allowed to believe in magic. We had a gas fireplace when I was little, and I knew Santa couldn’t come down the chimney, but we had a walk-out basement, so it was easy to believe he could come through the door. One year—and I still don’t know how they did this; my mom won’t tell me—I woke up on Christmas morning to find “snowy” bootprints leading from the basement door to the fireplace where the stockings were and then to the tree where the presents from Santa sat. It was so, so special, and so magical. I think of that morning every year and especially when I watch this movie.
And don’t even get me started on the way Scott gaining weight and eating trea ts is handled because it was the fucking ’90s and it was apparently the worst thing in the world to gain weight and not eat like a rabbit. I hate diet culture, and I’m so glad I wasn’t old enough to really know what was going on at the time.

6 magical snow globes out of 10.

BONUS: I recently learned all the non–North Pole scenes were filmed in and around Toronto, and I didn’t know this movie had a Canadian connection, which is kind of cool!

I didn’t end up watching as many movies as I normally do, so this is the last of it unfortch. I’ll watch more this year, lol.

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vampires, spaceships, and fantastical worlds—the tales of L.E. Teetzel