vampires, spaceships, and fantastical worlds—the tales of L.E. Teetzel

This is a common thing I’ve heard from authors at all stages of their career, and from fanfic writers too, but starting a new book or story, tackling a new idea… god, it’s utterly terrifying.

Both books I’ve published (Icarus and An Errant Ray of Sunlight) were already written. And yes, I understand that that proves I can write and finish a book, and Icarus was even done in a relatively short amount of time compared to An Errant Ray of Sunlight, but still, I’m sitting here facing the first draft of my next book, Gravity Well, and realizing that I’m scared.

I wasn’t scared when I started ERoS or Icarus, but there weren’t any stakes then. ERoS I wrote for myself, because it was the story I wanted to tell and I wanted to play around in an urban fantasy setting, and Icarus I wrote for a novella contest that I didn’t really think I was going to win. There was a deadline but it was a generous and it was a novella. But now that I’ve published two books… Yeah, there’s fear.

What if I can’t finish another book?
(Rationally, I know this is silly because I will finish it eventually.)

What if I can’t stick to the deadlines I set for myself?
(This is more likely because I have a full time job, freelance work, this self-publishing stuff, and other hobbies. Also I struggle with self-discipline.)

What if I do finish it, but it’s not good?
(This is… possible but also it’s not up to me how people receive the book once it’s done.)

Huh. This is a great way to show a bit about how my brain works. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and much of my life is spent thinking the anxious thoughts and dealing with them while also knowing the truth and being able to think rationally. But sometimes you can’t drown out the anxious voice and you just have to tell it to shut the fuck up. Or, when you can, ignore it.

Mental illness is weird.

Anyway, the main point is that it’s been a long time since I’ve started anything new that wasn’t fanfiction, and this is the first time I’m writing something with the intent to self-publish it from the beginning, and I’m struggling. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I struggle a lot while writing. It’s never easy for me, no matter how fun it is or how much I enjoy it, but I also couldn’t imagine my life without it, so I’m always writing, planning, or world-building something. This is just the first time in my life I need to write with structure, rather than just knowing I should. I’m terrible with self-imposed deadlines, but treating my writing like it’s a job (even a part-time one) is the only way anything will get done in a decent amount of time. All of this creates a lot of anxiety and means I have to constantly remind myself that every word is progress and some progress is better than no progress.

I also have to remind myself that my pace will increase as I get used to writing regularly—hopefully every day. But, at the same time, I have to remember that there are going to be days when I cannot do anything and that’s okay too, because I can’t write anything if I’m burned out or too tired to focus.

Especially because of the anxiety, autism, and PMDD. The brain, she don’t brain so well all the time.

But the brain knows there will come a point when this novella, Gravity Well, is done and out in the world, ready to find its people. I already love this story and I know it’s got great potential. I know I’m capable of writing through this fear and insecurity because I’ve done it before. I also know that I love all the steps that come after the writing (I’ll write more about those steps when I get there!) and that the pride of seeing the final product physically in my hands is unmatched.

But until I get to that point, I have the fear.

So how to deal with it?

Well, sometimes I brute force through it and tell myself just to get something small done and then I can go to bed or whatever. Usually I’ll do the small thing and then do more because I get into a groove and know that if I stop, it’ll take work to get back into said groove. But brute forcing it is not the healthiest way to handle the fear, nor is it the most successful.

The best way I’ve found is to get yourself a friend or a writers’ group to do sprints with. Write for 15-20 mins, then update each other on your progress and talk about what you’re doing. Share snippets you just wrote that you like. Maybe even have someone issue a challenge for each sprint; recently, the person running sprints in my writers’ group had us try to incorporate a sense into what we wrote. There was no penalty if you didn’t, but it gave us something to think about, and having that thing to think about helps to get you out of your own way—at least it does for me. Thinking about trying to get a line about sound or taste or smell into what was happening made me think about the scene from multiple angels, to examine what it would sound or taste or smell like. It was a really awesome exercise.

You can also do sprints with yourself, of course, by using an app or a timer, but I find having accountability buddies and people to talk to about the writing extremely beneficial.

In fact, I edited most of An Errant Ray of Sunlight during sprints, and I’m positive it would have taken me way longer to get it done if I did’t have my Poets to get me through.

I wish I had more info about finding writers’ groups, but I found mine because it’s part of a Discord server made for my favourite book series. But check your local library’s schedules, ask any friends if they’re writing or working on projects and could use someone to sprint with (sprints don’t have to be writing-related!), and I’m sure there are lots of groups online.

And, if you’re like me and you’re dealing with mental illnesses or a lot of fear or anything else, having a therapist helps too. I don’t talk to mine about writing specifically a lot, but she’ll ask how it’s going and how I’m feeling about my progress and has given me some things to try related to self-discipline. I think everybody should try therapy regardless of how they feel their life is going, because having someone to observe and comment from the outside looking in is almost never a bad idea.

But, if we’re talking writing specifically, even having a friend who reads a lot to talk to and give you feedback can really help with the fear, especially if they read a lot in the genre you’re writing (more about this will come when I talk about self-editing). Getting feedback from social media (like from posting excerpts) can be helpful for some people too, but it doesn’t really work for me. Nothing you write is ever going to appeal to everyone and in the quick-to-judge, cater-to-me world of social media, you have to take everyone’s comment with a grain of salt. Every writer needs to have a source of positive feedback (hype from friends is important!) and people you trust to provide you actual constructive criticism, even if they’re not editors.

Basically, like a lot of creative endeavours, it’s a game of balance. The fear is probably always going to be there. I’m probably always going to wonder if my next book will be any good. If anyone is actually reading my books, enjoying them, telling others about them—no matter what the truth may be. But the joy will always be there to. Writing and building worlds fills me with joy. Creating a story from nothing makes me so, so happy. Any time someone tells me they enjoyed something I wrote, I smile a big dorky smile for hours. And, at the end of the day, even though Gravity Well and whatever I write next will be going out to the world, I have to remember that I’m writing for myself first and foremost.

And that it’s okay to be scared, as long as you do the thing anyway.

Take it easy, hot dogs. 💙