vampires, spaceships, and fantastical worlds—the tales of L.E. Teetzel

It never feels like I have enough time to do everything I want and need to do, and this doesn’t apply to just writing. It applies to literally everything, though writing is the thing I get most frustrated about not having time for. It’s also arguably the thing that I should most make time for since I’m self-publishing and trying to sell my books.

But I hate that phrase: make time.

Before I dive in, I’m going to preface this by saying in no way am I complaining. I recognize I am very privileged to have the life I have, the job I have—everything. I am sharing these thoughts as a way to both get them off my chest and to maybe help others who are having the same problems, the same thoughts, and who might feel better knowing they’re not the only one dealing with this. Because as much as the internet has connected us, it has also, in my opinion, contributed heavily to isolation, especially when it comes to what’s shown/talked about on social media and what is true.

Okay. Let’s get to it.

Sometimes, it’s impossible to find time. (Or make time. Blech.) For me, that’s often the case. I have a full-time job, do freelance work, have lots of hobbies that make my happy, and also have to like, take care of myself and my cat and help take care of my brother’s dog and the housework. The everyday stuff uses up mental and physical energy as well as time, and honestly, the everyday stuff is all I can do some days. I’m mentally ill—depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder—and there are days when it’s a fight to do anything. On those days, I usually don’t get much done, and usually end up feeling guilty about it, especially when I don’t get any writing done. There are also days when I’m just tired. Those are the days I go to bed early and read because that’s all I have energy for; sometimes I just go right to bed. Then there are the burnout days, when I’ll sit in front of the computer, staring at the blinking cursor and my brain just… won’t. Those are the days I end up playing a video game where I don’t have to think, where I can just tune out, listen to a podcast and putter around in the game. Or lay on the couch/my bed and watch movies or a show.

These days are all part of my reality and while sometimes I can power through and find five minutes to get some words down, it’s still frustrating to feel like there’s no time. When, yes, obviously there is time. I could not play games when I’m burned out and try to write anyway, but when I do that, the writing is shit and writing feels like prying thorns from my grey matter. So no thank you. There has to be a balance and time is going to be different than functional time.

I’ve been trying to get back in the habit of writing something every day, even if it’s just a couple words, which could be seen as making time, but there are a lot of days when I just stare at the words already written and wonder what I’m doing, why I’m writing, etc. etc. etc.

Brains, especially ill ones, can be very mean.

I’m also autistic, and am in the process of figuring out how I work best now that I’m not unintentionally masking every day. I know I do well with some routine, and also that I don’t do well if I have to do anything outside of said routine. For example, yesterday I had to go and pick up my brother from the train station. Because I knew I was going to be doing that in the evening, and it’s not something I do very often, I was prepared for my brain to be a bit squirrelly. I made plans to go and do other things outside of my normal routine yesterday too, but even in the morning, when my dad was at the house looking at my car and I was just sitting inside watching movies, I couldn’t write. Somewhere along the line, I had subconsciously decided that it was a no writing day, and my brain was sticking to that. (Sometimes I’m able to squeak out a little bit on these days, but not often.) Even though I was prepared for the day, I still felt guilty.

Not feeling guilty is something I’m also working on.

On regular days, I usually write in little bursts of a few minutes or so. Or in sprints with my writer’s group. Finding people you can sprint with is a huge help—everyone can do something different. It’s basically just focused working periods. In the group I’m in, people will edit, work on blog posts or newsletters, write, read… Lots of stuff! (Don’t tell anyone but I will some days do these sprints no matter what else I’m supposed to be doing because they’re fun and accountability usually spurs me into action.) This aligns well with my goal to write every day because I’m getting used to fitting a few words in here and there. But sometimes it’s too busy to do the multitasking thing. Sometimes I just don’t feel like socializing enough to do the sprints with my writer’s group, and sometimes no one is running sprints that day.

So how do I find time to write when writing in bits and pieces doesn’t work?

Well, as you can imagine, I often don’t. And I already said I hate the phrase make time. It implies that it’s easy—and maybe if you’re neurotypical and mentally healthy, it is. Maybe for some people, they really can just say “I’m going to set aside an hour every morning to write” and then actually do that. This could be because the phrase has most often been aimed at me in a condescending manner, but the autism brain is also like “I can’t make time. No one can make time. And messing with time would inevitably cause so many problems.” Yes that’s too literal, but I still hate the phrase.

Usually, I end up trying to carve out some dedicated time or develop a new habit/make something part of my routine, and I’ll do really well until I wake up on a bad mental health day and everything, let alone the new stuff, is a struggle. Sometimes I try to fight through it, but more often than not, that leads to burnout. I also have the writer thing where I most want to write when I’m doing something else.

(As I mentioned above, I also have hobbies that make me happy. I love to make things. I crochet, knit, sew, and sometimes draw and paint. Just… make. But because prioritizing writing makes me the happiest (and I’m on this publishing journey), I really only make stuff when I’m mentally burned out and need to do something with my hands. Doing something with my hands also helps when I’m really anxious; managing my anxiety was why I learned how to knit in the first place. The priority thing is just part of balance, and yes, I get frustrated when I can’t make as much as I want to and write as much as I want to, but, well… That’s never going away, so I have to just deal with it and do my best to keep myself happy, healthy, and alive enough to write.)

Finding time to do what you love is such a complicated and subjective thing, because it’s going to depend on your personality, your abilities, your responsibilities—on so much. I can’t do much more than tell you the situation I’m working with and what I do. And maybe reading about my situation will help you. Maybe it won’t. But we won’t ever find what works best for us if we don’t try new things.

So here is a short list of things I have tried that have worked well, that work sometimes, and that I just keep telling myself to stop the guilt I feel on the days I don’t write:

• Most important: Writing is not just words on the page. Thinking about your story, working through things in your mind, refilling the well, planning, outlining—it’s all writing. It will all contribute to getting the story finished. But words are important too.
• Any words are better than no words (even one). Any work is better than no work (see above point).

• Setting a timer or using an app or finding a group for sprints to work in bursts, so I can write and do my job at the same time. Work for 20 minutes or whatever, then write for 15. Repeat.
• If you get a new idea that’s intruding on your current work and taking up time you could be writing the current story, just write down as much as you have about the new idea to get it out of your head and then go back to current work. As someone with lots of ideas, this is vital.
• Combining writing and lunch works for me sometimes. Eating and writing has the benefit of a) already being time I’m sitting in front of the computer and not working, b) making me eat slower, c) occupying different parts of my brain and body which helps me focus sometimes.

• Remember that it’s okay if you don’t write some days. Be kind to yourself.

People and their brains are complicated, writing is hard (if it was easy, everyone would do it), and finding enough balance to do what you love and what makes you happy, especially when the world we live in is so geared towards keeping us in the 9-to-5 grind and too tired to do anything, is very hard. It can be demoralizing when you don’t feel like you’re making the progress you want, but as much as it sucks, the only way through that is to keep going. Keep writing. You might not be able to make time, but if there are a few minutes where you can get something down or think about a plot point you’re stuck, you’ll get to the end eventually. Obviously sometimes you have to push, especially if you’ve got a deadline, but remember to take care of yourself too.

Take it easy, hot dogs. 💙